Uber plans to buy 24,000 self-driving cars from Volvo, which means passengers will now have to abuse and assault themselves.

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Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.


a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon


just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”


Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.


Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school


[at a restaurant]

Her: I’m going with meatloaf

Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together


I’m sitting in my car eating mini eggs and crying and the dude who just pulled up next to me looked in my car and then decided to park somewhere else


You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.

Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.


I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.


Me: can I get a Coke please

Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here

Me: how about a lemonade then

Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here

[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]