ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimme

wikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die

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My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.


the muppets is unrealistic because a friend group that large would have way more drama


Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope


GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—

DOLPHIN: What’s that one?

GOD: That’s an e.

DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.

GOD: But you—

DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.


My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.


Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’


In Hell, someone is constantly vacuuming while you’re trying to explain directions to an old man.


me: push!

wife: [in labor] I AM

me: push harder!!

wife: I CAN’T

me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull


I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy