*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
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Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.