@iamburtjarvis

ufo crew: why are we hovering?

ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs

ufo crew: why not land?

ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af

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@Smooheed

FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE

I yelled at my gynecologist

@CopBroughtPizza

i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.

@youvebeenskold

So, you wanna get married? I just got into an argument about time travel with my wife and she’s actually going to bed mad.

@alfageeek

When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.

@causticbob

My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.

He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground

@KellyMeldrum

It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.

@Dr_powpow

Like every good global citizen I’ve reduced my power consumption by 50% by running all my power off the neighbours while they’re on vacation

@radtoria

Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider

@meganamram

Trump is a plant by the NRA to make liberals want to shoot someone

@Integrity_Guy

When a “Baby On Board” sticker is a little faded and beat up you know the kid is at least a year or two old now and the car is safe to ram