I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
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I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
Im sorry, but you only have two weeks to live
*slides the doctor a five dollar bill*
Ooooh make that 3 weeks buddy
*winks at loved ones*
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?