FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
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i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
So, you wanna get married? I just got into an argument about time travel with my wife and she’s actually going to bed mad.
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
Like every good global citizen I’ve reduced my power consumption by 50% by running all my power off the neighbours while they’re on vacation
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
Trump is a plant by the NRA to make liberals want to shoot someone
When a “Baby On Board” sticker is a little faded and beat up you know the kid is at least a year or two old now and the car is safe to ram