“Ugh! Dave is coming to dinner”
“Wait, Dave Jones or Dave who impersonates police cars?”
[long silence]
[hears faint sirens in the distance]

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No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.


[Juice Bar]

(Wildebeest disguised as man): 36 shots of wheat grass

(Lion disguised as Bartender): Follow me out back “sir”

*hyenas laugh*


Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.


My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.


Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.


[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those


Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.