Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
“Ugh! Dave is coming to dinner”
“Wait, Dave Jones or Dave who impersonates police cars?”
[hears faint sirens in the distance]
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No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
(Wildebeest disguised as man): 36 shots of wheat grass
(Lion disguised as Bartender): Follow me out back “sir”
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
I think we should hear other voices.
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.