There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
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[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”