Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
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HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
Put the is in disheveled
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.