Ugh! I always think of the best comebacks when I’m burying the body.

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Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.

Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?


When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.


Saw my neighbor in a peeing contest with his dog on his porch.

My mum said there’d be days like this but she never said there’d be so many.


Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.


Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend

Me: The doctor?

Her: He never comes over anymore

Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird


Potatoes are just poor defenseless vodka fetuses.

Remeber that the next time you eat a french fry or hash browns, you monsters.


UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes


To Do List While in Jail

1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”


Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries