@SamuelHlowe: Ugh! I always think of the best comebacks when I'm burying the body.
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@david8hughes: [at the mall] "Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?" "Of course." [leans in to mic] "Goodbye you little shit."
@RBColl: Have you ever looked at someone's phone's selfie wallpaper and look at the owner and look again at their selfie and back again to the owner?
@KentWGraham: When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.