@SamuelHlowe

Ugh! I always think of the best comebacks when I’m burying the body.

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@UnFitz

Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.

Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?

@kimtopher22

When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.

@aecide

Saw my neighbor in a peeing contest with his dog on his porch.

My mum said there’d be days like this but she never said there’d be so many.

@LurkAtHomeMom

Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.

@ArfMeasures

Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend

Me: The doctor?

Her: He never comes over anymore

Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird

@shkeeber

Potatoes are just poor defenseless vodka fetuses.

Remeber that the next time you eat a french fry or hash browns, you monsters.

@fro_vo

UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes

@tuckerflodman

To Do List While in Jail

1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.

@OfficeofSteve

Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries