Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
Ugh! I always think of the best comebacks when I’m burying the body.
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[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
Left my car for maybe 15 minutes in front of the dorms and I come back to this. College man
Look, if you can take a smoke break, I should be able to take a twitter break.
It’s not like one addiction outweighs the other, HR!
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
My new juice cleanse is called Vodka with a side of Tonic
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them