@SamuelHlowe

Ugh! I always think of the best comebacks when I’m burying the body.

You Might Also Like

@TrainedHedonist

Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.

@bornmiserable

[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you

@jabbins

Left my car for maybe 15 minutes in front of the dorms and I come back to this. College man

@TayTayJustine

Look, if you can take a smoke break, I should be able to take a twitter break.

It’s not like one addiction outweighs the other, HR!

@SammySkinns

Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%

So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying

@BlindVigil

*Farmer walks into job application

Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.

Employer: BOOM! Tech support!

@krisv_723

I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.

@daemonic3

ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today

WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!

ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it

@WhaJoTalkinBout

no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them