The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
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Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
Beware of the “party goblin”…
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it