The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
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It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.