Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
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Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
I never needed anything more in my life
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.