Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
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Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.