Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it

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If I were God, I’d totally be cool with you using my name in vain.

Feel free to say, “Oh John” next time you’re cumming ladies.


None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead


How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.


Thank you for saying, “I’m just being honest” after that horrible thing you just said. I feel better now that I know you meant it.


I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right


Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.


Being a hacker in the ’80’s was way easier.

*shakes vending machine until chocolate bars falls.


These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.


That moment of panic when you accidentally swipe left on Bae while getting food off your phone.