If I were God, I’d totally be cool with you using my name in vain.
Feel free to say, “Oh John” next time you’re cumming ladies.
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
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None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
Thank you for saying, “I’m just being honest” after that horrible thing you just said. I feel better now that I know you meant it.
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
Being a hacker in the ’80’s was way easier.
*shakes vending machine until chocolate bars falls.
My memory is improving. The horror.
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
That moment of panic when you accidentally swipe left on Bae while getting food off your phone.