Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
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A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
i wish i could marry a nap
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
Do not go gentle into that good night,