@shutupmikeginn

Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it

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@wendyraepearce

Before you do that- think, Would an idiot do that?
Then, don’t do that.

@ch000ch

me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man

@simoncholland

I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.

@

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@AndrewNadeau0

{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.

@TweetPotato314

Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*

Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.

@AlexvanBeek

“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”

*Door slams

– Jehova’s Witnesses

@nottheworstmom

*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*

Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?

Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT

@ermahgarton

me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*