Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
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he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
Wait a second…
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
Hot singles in your area!
They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs