Ugh I hate the bathroom at this mall. There’s not a single urinal. Just a bunch of women screaming.

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MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit


ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.


[in catholic church]

Me: can i make a confession

Teacher: *rips off priest mask* I DONT KNOW CAN YOU


The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.


Do I turn left when nothing is right? Or do I turn right when there’s nothing left?


I’m not afraid to admit that for the longest time I didn’t really understand the whole “Netflix and Chill” thing.

I thought Netflix was for AFTER sex, so you didn’t have to talk to or look at each other.


“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.

Not. Even. Joking.


MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat

ME: *writing* Iโ€™ll pick up some traps and cheese

MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk

ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*


REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes


Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.