Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
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Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.