Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
You Might Also Like
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
Feels
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.