What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
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Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
if a cop pulls u over play dead
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you