4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
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dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love
[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
Wife: we need to talk about your childish behavior.
Wife: *sigh* we need to talk about your childish behavior… Over.
Me: *clicking walkie talkie* please bring a PBJ up to the tree house and we’ll negotiate, over.
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil