“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
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ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
Don’t frighten the programmers!
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.