“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
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“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE