Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
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Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
Banderslack Clamberdorch
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it