Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
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God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly