Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
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Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
What’s the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted.
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
[making small talk at a party]
Hair products are so expensive these days. Do you think that’s why poor people look like shit?”