@Browtweaten: Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
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@psybermonkey: [Deli] Me: can I get a children's sub Employee: sure thi- Elon Musk: move over I got this
@brennadine: [Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler? No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously]. Oh, good. [Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
@ddsmidt: My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser. Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.