Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
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My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head