Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves

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Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.

Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.


Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.


My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.


What’s the difference between in-laws and outlaws?

Outlaws are wanted.


[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall


It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.


[making small talk at a party]

Hair products are so expensive these days. Do you think that’s why poor people look like shit?”