Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
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Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.