Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
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whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
you will never know the true number of layers
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.