@LurkAtHomeMom: Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
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@david8hughes: [driving home in silence] Wife: ok, I’m sorry Me: too late Wife: you do quite a lot of them though Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them Wife: ... Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties Wife: funeral
@Weird_Rash: Just got arrested for racing my Segway wearing an adult diaper and a Viking helmet. Still not clear which law I broke.
@thepunningman: [murder scene] detective: "she drown?" cop: "after a blow to the head" d: "what's he doing?" me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]