“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*

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If I learned anything from Forest Gump it’s that people who love to run are retarded.


ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher

*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*

TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this


mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.


my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote

me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe


Guys, if my husband asks any of you, emotional support shoes are a thing ok?


“I’m an actress”

I watched your web series, and I disagree.


HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats


[at checkout counter]

Would ya like to donate $1 to-
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
-Then no


[devil’s first day on the job]

human: so i get anything I want?

devil: yes

human: and all you want is my shoe?

devil: just the bottom part, but yes


I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.