Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
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tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
This made me chuckle.
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.