Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
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I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
Erm…
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”