Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this

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Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra


I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.


Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.


[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car


If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works


If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.


The Thanksgiving I was 37, I was dating a 45 year old guy, and my sister (who was 33) was dating the 25 year old son of the guy I was dating.

Partway through Thanksgiving dinner, my dad got up, went outside and mowed my sister’s yard to calm himself down.


The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.


[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]