My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
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“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
how to have fun when you’re poor
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
Lmao
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.