Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
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first you must answer his riddles
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
Deer are just ballerina dogs
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…