[Hopeless romantic phone sex line]
PHONE SEX OPERATOR: Tell me what you’re wearing
ME: My heart on my sleeve
PSO: Very nice. Turn on Hallmark
ME: Oh no, you’re bad
PSO: Pretend you’re the guy in this movie kissing Amy Smart at the skating rink
ME: Mmm she smells of magnolia
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
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Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
[the middle of showering] I need a break
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.