@nPhelendriqal

Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?

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@Home_Halfway

[Hopeless romantic phone sex line]

PHONE SEX OPERATOR: Tell me what you’re wearing

ME: My heart on my sleeve

PSO: Very nice. Turn on Hallmark

ME: Oh no, you’re bad

PSO: Pretend you’re the guy in this movie kissing Amy Smart at the skating rink

ME: Mmm she smells of magnolia

@MandiAtRandom

Him: Will you marry me?

Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?

@The_MartiniGirl

I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.

@AndrewNadeau0

If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.

@TweetPotato314

me: i recently lost my job

date: oh no what happened

me: the office relocated and i can’t find it

@moooooog35

Me: What do you want for breakfast?

Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!

Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?

@jellybnbonanza

I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.

Did not finish.

@dumbbeezie

If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars

@myonlymizztake

If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.