Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
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Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
January has been Januweary
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life