First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
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By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
“You drive, I’m tired.”
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
So creative 😂
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no