@dave_cactus

[ugly sweater contest]

*starts sweating*

*takes home the gold*

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@TheToddWilliams

[apiary]

ME: Are you the beekeeper?

BEEKEEPER: Yup

ME: Can I get some?

BEEKEEPER: Nope

ME: Is it because you k—

BEEKEEPER: I keep them

@desusnice

ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits

@weinerdog4life

Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.

@Sassafrantz

Sitting on my hand until it gets numb so it feels like someone else is folding my laundry.

@AnnieRUOakley

You ever feel like just slapping your own face? No. Because you’re lazy, and I have to do everything for you.

@wolfpupy

next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom

@HenpeckedHal

Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.

@XGroverX

Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?

@ThugRaccoons

Pastor: He is risen!

Me: Who?

Pastor: Jesus

Me: Jesus who?

Pastor: Jesus Christ

Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.