My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
[ugly sweater contest]
*takes home the gold*
You Might Also Like
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
ME: Can I get some?
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
Sitting on my hand until it gets numb so it feels like someone else is folding my laundry.
You ever feel like just slapping your own face? No. Because you’re lazy, and I have to do everything for you.
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.