@dave_cactus

[ugly sweater contest]

*starts sweating*

*takes home the gold*

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@TheAlexNevil

When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.

@SteveKoehler22

Turkeys are crazy.

They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.

Must be a safety in numbers thing.

@momtribevibe

Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…

Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!

Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?

@farouq_yahaya

It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past

@AthenaMystique

How do you get spiderwebs out of your hair? Asking because Spider-Man… I mean… Just asking.

@CoopSoSarc

I hung a horseshoe above the door for goodluck.

My wife still came home.

Superstitions are stupid.

@Stap_Jr

You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Him: no one will steal your identity that way

Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that