@dave_cactus

[ugly sweater contest]

*starts sweating*

*takes home the gold*

You Might Also Like

@matt_simpson84

My wife and I have an ongoing game called “Wipe Boogers on Stuff in the House” that she doesn’t know we are playing

@cheeky__gal

It’s disappointing when you watch a high school basketball game and no one turns into a werewolf.

@SondraDeeMe

Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.

@jctwritesstuff

Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?

@jackie_ibbyxo

If you yell Bloody Mary into a mirror 3 times at 3AM, as loud as you can, your mom will appear and tell you to shut up and go to bed.

@KattsDogma

me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this

my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired

@iwearaonesie

my signature move is yelling “where in the fridge?!” and “i don’t see it!” until my mom comes and finds the applesauce for me

@david8hughes

Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not

@junejuly12

Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.

It’s that simple.