My wife and I have an ongoing game called “Wipe Boogers on Stuff in the House” that she doesn’t know we are playing
[ugly sweater contest]
*takes home the gold*
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It’s disappointing when you watch a high school basketball game and no one turns into a werewolf.
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
My brain is a bad influence on me
If you yell Bloody Mary into a mirror 3 times at 3AM, as loud as you can, your mom will appear and tell you to shut up and go to bed.
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
my signature move is yelling “where in the fridge?!” and “i don’t see it!” until my mom comes and finds the applesauce for me
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.