When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
[ugly sweater contest]
*takes home the gold*
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Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.
Must be a safety in numbers thing.
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
tinder is all about the long game
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
How do you get spiderwebs out of your hair? Asking because Spider-Man… I mean… Just asking.
I hung a horseshoe above the door for goodluck.
My wife still came home.
Superstitions are stupid.
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
The road to hell is paved.