[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
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The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows