@QwertyJones3

Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.

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@distracdad

*boarding helicopter to Jurassic World*

Pilot: Why do you guys keep going back there?

@NewDadNotes

Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?

Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]

@ericsshadow

[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]

me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?

her: I did

@tastefactory

Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT

@badbanana

There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.

@3sunzzz

My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.

@KalvinMacleod

[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.

@Kyle_Lippert

Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another