*boarding helicopter to Jurassic World*
Pilot: Why do you guys keep going back there?
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
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Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
Russian nesting dolls are so full of themselves.
best sunscreen ever… Xbox 360
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another