“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
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*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes