“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”

So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.

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Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath


[ISIS cuts off some dudes heads]
Whoa thats messed up you better quit it!
[ISIS breaks old rocks]


[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up


Dance like nobody’s holding your family hostage in some bizarre underground dance competition.


Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.


Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever


My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.


Do the the fatty acids get picked on by the other acids?


Me: How old is your daughter?

Her: She’ll be 4 next week.

Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.


I can ignore you so hard you will begin to doubt your own existence.