I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
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Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?