uh-oh. Bad news for Trump

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me: babe get your finger measured

her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?

me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see


You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day

UPS GUY: Just sign for the package


[Job Interview]

Boss: What’s your biggest wea-

Me: Interrupting people.


Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”


Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.


One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.


“can we take the magic schoolbus”
no. today is reading day
sit down
“please ms frizz”
u’ve gone to space but u dont kno how to read


*sees a shark in a homemade clam costume*
That’s a pretty dubious clam


No thanks Black Friday crowds.

I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.