me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
You Might Also Like
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
“can we take the magic schoolbus”
no. today is reading day
“please ms frizz”
u’ve gone to space but u dont kno how to read
*sees a shark in a homemade clam costume*
That’s a pretty dubious clam
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.