@Fred_Delicious

uh-oh. Bad news for Trump

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@Shen_the_Bird

me: babe get your finger measured

her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?

me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see

@QwertyJones3

You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day

UPS GUY: Just sign for the package

@Tmoney68

[Job Interview]

Boss: What’s your biggest wea-

Me: Interrupting people.

@squirrel74wkgn

Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”

@WilliamAder

Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.

@Stellacopter

One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.

@jonnysun

“can we take the magic schoolbus”
no. today is reading day
“please”
sit down
“please ms frizz”
u’ve gone to space but u dont kno how to read

@donni

*sees a shark in a homemade clam costume*
That’s a pretty dubious clam

@Donna_McCoy

No thanks Black Friday crowds.

I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.