uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
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I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged