Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
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Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
scares
*looks at you in batman voice*
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.