Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
You Might Also Like
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer