Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
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I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?