@wettbutt

uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage

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@funnybeachgirl

I remember 9 months before I was born, I went to a party with dad and left with mom.

@delusionaliam

If my calculations are correct, slinky + escalator = everlasting fun.

@TheAndrewNadeau

Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That

@Chumpstring

safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle

me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor

@ericsshadow

[anniversary dinner]

HER: tell me something that will make my heart race

ME: my credit card got declined

@ClichedOut

[watching video of an amazing feat]

Age 20: i could do that

Age 30: he’s amazing

Age 40: doesn’t that guy work

@_elvishpresley_

[first day as a cop]

me: suspect is holding a sword and doing a ceremonial dance

dispatch: copy that

me: I don’t know. I’m not much of a dancer

@TheHatStore

me: I forgot my line

movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip

@VisionBored1

When I was 15 I forgot to do my math homework so I ripped the pages I was supposed to do out of my textbook and told my teacher I couldn’t do it bc the pages were missing and tbh that’s still how I try to solve most of my problems as an adult