uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage

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I remember 9 months before I was born, I went to a party with dad and left with mom.


If my calculations are correct, slinky + escalator = everlasting fun.


Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That


safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle

me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor


[anniversary dinner]

HER: tell me something that will make my heart race

ME: my credit card got declined


[watching video of an amazing feat]

Age 20: i could do that

Age 30: he’s amazing

Age 40: doesn’t that guy work


[first day as a cop]

me: suspect is holding a sword and doing a ceremonial dance

dispatch: copy that

me: I don’t know. I’m not much of a dancer


me: I forgot my line

movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip


When I was 15 I forgot to do my math homework so I ripped the pages I was supposed to do out of my textbook and told my teacher I couldn’t do it bc the pages were missing and tbh that’s still how I try to solve most of my problems as an adult