Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
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911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
✌🏽
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours