@lecalabara
@junejuly12 Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
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@junejuly12 
@BavlyOlwy Whoever lost a bundle of $20 bills tied up in a rubber band..I found the rubber band..
@tastefactory LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
@dumstupit i hate small talk. i wanna talk about aliens, the 16 digits on your credit card, the 3 numbers on the back, and the expiration date
@shutupmikeginn Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
@GrantTanaka HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
@zachreinert03 When my roommate won’t wash the dishes I always leave a note’hey please do the dishes, because I will wash one knife & use it in your sleep’
@Jenny4ashley SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
@ashleyn1cole WTF NEW YORK?!?!?! I carried a paper grocery bag with a baguette in it for BLOCKS and NOBODY FELL IN LOVE WITH ME.
@girl_a_whirl My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.