Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.

Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.

the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up

*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers

God’s Assistant: really? Leather wings on a mouse’s body? I think you’re just in a bad mood.

God: ALSO MAKE IT BLIND AND SCREECHING

Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.

i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon

[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]

Any phrase can be banalized,by adding “if you know what I mean” at the end.
EG: This morning my wife made me a ??tea,if you know what I mean

Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.

If you eat it & you die it’s poisonous. If it bites you & you die it’s venomous or a bear.

hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
?it’s just a bruuuise ?

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