@lecalabara

Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.

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@grovymango

the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up

@pregnant_cat

*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers

@thenatewolf

God’s Assistant: really? Leather wings on a mouse’s body? I think you’re just in a bad mood.

God: ALSO MAKE IT BLIND AND SCREECHING

@TheDairylandDon

Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.

@KimmyMonte

i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon

@flashember

[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]

@leshnevsky

Any phrase can be banalized,by adding “if you know what I mean” at the end.
EG: This morning my wife made me a ??tea,if you know what I mean

@Brianhopecomedy

Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.

@ozzyunc

If you eat it & you die it’s poisonous. If it bites you & you die it’s venomous or a bear.

@tweetfaver

hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
?it’s just a bruuuise ?