“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
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If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
WWE is French for “yes”
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat