@ElleOhHell

“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks

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@GibJimson

My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.

We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.

@natalayhehoo

It’s all fun and games until you accidently grab the hand sanitizer instead of the lube.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!

-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse

@KevinFarzad

canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care

@elunatyk

Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.

Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.

@kumailn

If Watergate happened today it would be called Watergategate.

@arcadeseals

[my brain going to party]

general anxiety: what if everyone ignores you?

social anxiety: what if they don’t?

@Spotzwoj

Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.