“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks

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My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.

We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.


It’s all fun and games until you accidently grab the hand sanitizer instead of the lube.


Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!

-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse


canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care


Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.

Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.


If Watergate happened today it would be called Watergategate.


[my brain going to party]

general anxiety: what if everyone ignores you?

social anxiety: what if they don’t?


Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.