@haveigotnews

UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”

UK, 2020 –

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@UncleDuke1969

“Duck…”

“Duck…”

“Duck…”

“Duck…”

“Duck…”

“Duck…”

“Duck…”

“MOOSE!!!”

“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”

@JohnLyonTweets

Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.

Friend: Flyers for what?

Me: Some club called VIOLATION.

@vDzwa

This is why we study Economics. To understand the importance of resource allocation lol😂

@handsock_butts

SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-

ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS

SE: -on your sub?

ME: PUPPERONI

@Vhalechark

Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce

Her: the what?

Me: the Westminster Shore sauce

Her: are you having a stroke?

Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce

Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-

Me: the Willmington Scone sauce

Her: please, it’s getting worse

Me: the Wank-

@Tommytoughstuff

“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]

@jay_as_hell

choose one to drop:
1. acid
2. bass
3. out of college
4. the assault charges
5. that thun thun thun

@ArfMeasures

911: Did you ring yesterday?

Boy: No

911: Day before?

Boy: Definitely not

911: Your voice is familiar

Boy: Please just help

911: Ok can you describe your attacker?

Boy: It’s a wolf

911: Oh for fu

@IamJackBoot

Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.

@Holy_Mowgli

[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]

Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened