@haveigotnews
@UncleDuke1969
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
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@UncleDuke1969
@JohnLyonTweets
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
@vDzwa
This is why we study Economics. To understand the importance of resource allocation lol😂
@handsock_butts
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
@Vhalechark
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
@Tommytoughstuff
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
@jay_as_hell
choose one to drop:
1. acid
2. bass
3. out of college
4. the assault charges
5. that thun thun thun
@ArfMeasures
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
@IamJackBoot
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
@Holy_Mowgli
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened