UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
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Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
Welcome to the stomach
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
In banana years, I am bread.