UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
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[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?