@AbrasiveGhost

UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria

U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier

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@junejuly12

Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.

@warhorse76

Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.

@sozjalltheway

So, It’s not ok to write “always best to have a spare incase you break the first one” on facebook, when someone announces a second pregnancy

@2browneyedboys

If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.

@sixfootcandy

Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?

Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*

CS: 683648AC4712.

Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!

CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?

Me: No thanks *click*

@linkindrinkin

james bond: shaken not stirred

home depot employee: thats how we always mix the paint

@ObscureGent

If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.

@Aimiekins

You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.