Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
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Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
So, It’s not ok to write “always best to have a spare incase you break the first one” on facebook, when someone announces a second pregnancy
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
“I am as misquoted as Marilyn Monroe.”
– Abe Lincoln
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
Me: No thanks *click*
james bond: shaken not stirred
home depot employee: thats how we always mix the paint
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.