UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
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Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
I put the p in pants.
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.