@Turbo_Jimmy

UK – We call it Autumn, from the French word “autompne” and later, the Latin “autumnus”

USA – WE CALL IT FALL BECAUSE LEAF FALL DOWN

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@ComicalFoxer

Humans are 60% water.

Water is 60% sharks.

Humans are 24% sharks.

@AndyJokedAgain

FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.

@ThisOneSayz

Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.

@nbadag

[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs

[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me

@Pork_Chop_Hair

“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.

@jonnysun

men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>

@Sarcasmo718

My grandma keeps talking about her monthly checks, prescription drugs and how much she loves Miami. I think she’s a rapper.

@chopper4jk

Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.

@rationalists

The only lie Republicans haven’t told about Obama is he’s white.