Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
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[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.