UK: we call them films, after the traditional recording process using photographic film


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Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos


The name CONstitution sounds so negative. Since ‘pro’ is the opposite of ‘con’ we should call it prosti….. oh wait.


Me: Did you cheat?

Wife: Haha yes, what about you?

Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?

Wife: Had sex with Dave


The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.


Pet me.
Yeah, that’s it.
No, not there. *opens your vein*

– cats


dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours


To the cars honking behind me,

Sorry I held up the drive thru line for 5 minutes counting to make sure I got all 50 of my McNuggets


Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”


Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.


Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.