I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
UK: we call them films, after the traditional recording process using photographic film
USA: WE CALL THEM MOVIES BECAUSE THEM PHOTOS MOVE
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The name CONstitution sounds so negative. Since ‘pro’ is the opposite of ‘con’ we should call it prosti….. oh wait.
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
Yeah, that’s it.
No, not there. *opens your vein*
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
To the cars honking behind me,
Sorry I held up the drive thru line for 5 minutes counting to make sure I got all 50 of my McNuggets
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.