@Turbo_Jimmy

UK: we call them films, after the traditional recording process using photographic film

USA: WE CALL THEM MOVIES BECAUSE THEM PHOTOS MOVE

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@TheAlexNevil

Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos

@CauseWereGuys

The name CONstitution sounds so negative. Since ‘pro’ is the opposite of ‘con’ we should call it prosti….. oh wait.

@ArfMeasures

Me: Did you cheat?

Wife: Haha yes, what about you?

Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?

Wife: Had sex with Dave

@goldengateblond

The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.

@UnFitz

Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*

– cats

@DanMentos

dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours

@Mr_Kapowski

To the cars honking behind me,

Sorry I held up the drive thru line for 5 minutes counting to make sure I got all 50 of my McNuggets

@GrillinChillin9

Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”

@stevevsninjas

Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.

@stockejock

Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.