Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
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Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
everyone has that one prude friend
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
Think I pulled my liver
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
How times have changed.
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r