Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
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I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
*praying for world peace*
God:
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
The hardest thing Vision has to do
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.